terça-feira, 30 de abril de 2013

Nihil: being nothing and the possibilities of that

If at any point you decide that this is just too boring: know you're not alone, not at all. Most of the time when I stare at someone's eyes - in a conversation of my own or even when I'm just randomly checking someone else's conversation - I see sadness, or something related to that. After 24 whole years I've kind of stopped wondering about the reasons behind it, I just sense a feeling of a deep confusion and I feel good to share it. Eyes are really a door to one's soul... or a window, or whatever, it's not even possible to disagree with that. If you're tough enough you might disguise it as anything else, even though this is a part of our condition as human beings. We've been searching for goals in our life for too long; we've been practicing skills and developing ways to be more than the others; we've even tried to be "less human". Our humanity depresses us, our condition is to be forever a "rotten to be", a postponed dead body which will, soon enough, be among ourselves as the dust we have once stepped on. I've got time for nothing, I need to worry about getting enough money so I don't starve, I don't even have time enough to make new paragraphs; I must keep speaking without any pauses, otherwise I would be losing a precious time, and that time can't be lost; the thing is: we don't have any idea of why it can't be lost. In past times people have created several scape mecanisms to deal with that lack of sense, but today they're all gone, some still insist on continuing blabbering about how this is something more than rotting, some have already seen how stupid we are, how disregarding is this struggling against who-knows-what that keep putting us down. It is, in fact, really easy to go so deep into our occupations that we don't have time to remembre how worthless everything is, how every single act is a huge mistake that has absolutely no importance or meaning at all. We are people, and as people, as individuals, we often forget about this "meaninglessness" we are surrounded by. Luckily enough we have created art. Art is something more than ordinary, and not even that makes it something more that useless. Art has been created to be useless, art is something that should remind us of how useless we, ourselves, are and, even like this, art is awsome. Art, and now I'm talking about music and the literary creation mainly, is so awsome that it makes us sure about our lack of meaning and at the same time shows us how amazing this is: being meaningless. Being meaningless means (whatever it is possible or not) that everything is possible. We might not even know what 'everything' is, but we may find it out (or not), and make great use of it! The feeling of "not knowing" is somewhat like the feeling of being useless: it's about the possibility of knowing and making it whatever we choose. That is so awsome that even death becomes something huge, dying and thinking about how "Nothing/Empty" it will be is absolutely huge. It's huge because, as human beings, we don't have a single clue about what that is. The closest experience we may have with Nothing/Empty is when we sleep, or when we pass out. The moment when your consciousness go away is the moment when you are into a Nothing/Empty space, but guess what, we don't have a clue how to describe it, because it's NOTHING/EMPTY. This is so unthinkable that we have to struggle a lot against our reason to barely get close to it, and when we get to a possible idea of what that is, we usualy are distracted enough to lose that feel in just a few seconds. The feeling of emptiness that Nothing/Empty causes is so calm that can't be compared to anything we feel as owners of a body in flesh and bones. Everything we know about feeling well or calm or any good feeling is related to feeling like this because of our body. Every single feeling is a biological reaction inside ourselve. I'm not saying that I've gone beyond that and felt it as it is because I'm writing as a human. The only things I've done about it were thinking a lot about it and the conclusion was: we suck. We, as human being suck as much as it is possible, we only don't suck even more because we haven't got that far into sucking. We suck because our idea of post mortem is related only to our body feelings. We have created heaven and hell and they were made exclusively to make our bodies feel good/bad. Some will say that it is just a metaphorical way to talk about a spiritual condition. Ok if it is like that, the thing is that the people that talk about that, and that have always done that, talk as if they know something more than you or me when in fact they have the same desperate look we do. That is sad, that is sad because millions of people who didn't have the possibility of thinking about that were forced into a reality full of a meaning that's filthy, a meaning full of bullshit and lies. We suck so much as human beings that we often say that being something with no meaning is awful, that this would make us desperate. But you know what? We only are desperate because we've been taught that. We've been taught that we need meaning, and the truth is: we were made to rot, we were made, born and raised to die and to suffer, no one will ever know a little about any truth and the biggest thing we can achieve is becoming free of these spiritual bonds and trying to create meaning from our own, and even like these we will always be only postponed deadbodies - and the worms in the earth can't wait to taste you, sleep with that.